My dad found out I had an imaginary girlfriend.
He said, “You know, you could do better.”
“Thanks dad, that means a lot,” I replied.
“I was talking to your girlfriend.”
Ohhhhhhh who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
What’s the best way to respond when a girls asks “what’s up”?
“If I tell you, will you sit on it?”
How are Kentucky Fried Chicken and a woman the same?
Once you take away the legs and the breasts you’re left with one greasy box to put your bone in.
What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A rabbi cuts them off. A priest sucks them off.
What do priests and McDonald’s have in common?
They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.
What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common?
They’re both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you’re pretty much screwed.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up like an altar boy.
Why are men like diapers?
They’re usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his whopper.
My son came in the other day and asked me what love juice is. I thought I’d try and put it as delicately as possible. “Well son love juice is to do with sex, you must know a bit from school? Anyway when you’re with a girl and your having a kiss and a cuddle and you touch the old breasts you get a woody, but you call it a hard on when you’re an adult. Now girls they don’t get a hard on they have a form of lubrication for the penis. What you do is play with the little beak on the vagina for a bit and when its lubricated you put your fingers in and you can hear it a bit like when mum is mixing up an omelette, you can see it too glistening and on your fingers like little heartstrings, like sticky mirrors. Now the vagina is ready to accept the penis and then get the sperm to the uterus and then make a baby, that my son is what love juice is. But tell me son what have you been watching?”
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?
“The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.” The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?” To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.” The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate? The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.” The rabbi then asked him, “Have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?” The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith and made love to a woman.” The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats a fucking ham sandwich, doesn”t it?”
My wife has left me because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impression But don’t worry………. I’ll return
My Wife and I are having my Muslim work colleague Abdul and his wife come over tonight for a sophisticated dinner.
I’m having a nightmare though…I cannot believe I’ve been to 7 different Tescos in the area and not one of them had Halal Pork Chops.
Sir Bradley Wiggins has denied taking drugs to help him win the Tour de France, claiming it was a fair win. He added that he had to cycle really fast to escape the colossal razor-toothed fire-breathing luminescent dragon that was chasing him.
My missus just found out I replaced the bed with a trampoline….she hit the roof!
Son: Why is my sister called Teresa?
Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter – it’s an anagram
Son: Thanks dad
Dad: No problem Alan
MPs are being encouraged to use the term “Daesh” instead of “Islamic State” as Daesh is an insult to the terrorists.
Unfortunately, Daesh is a really difficult word for me to pronounce so, from now on, I’ll be using the word “Cunts”.
9 out of 7 people are as thick as shit.
On my fifth pint of Stella and I noticed it says ‘Please Drink Responsibly’ on the side of the can.
Well, I’ve got my seat belt on and the car has airbags. Does that count?
Apparently sexual attacks have been down since the snowfall began.
Must be down to black fuckers camouflage not working as well !
We used to have Empires run by Emperors.
Then we had Kingdoms run by Kings.
Now we have Countries……….
I can’t believe Scientology is trying to get away with calling itself a religion.
You’re not a real religion until you’re responsible for at least a million deaths.
I rang up work this morning..
“My wife passed away in the early hours,” I told them. “I’m going to need some time off work.”
“Oh dear, sorry for your loss,” the receptionist said. “And of course we understand. Take as much time off as you need.”
“Thank you,” I replied. “It’ll be about eighteen years, providing I behave myself.”
Stop Muslims entering the USA…
They don’t want crazy people bringing guns into the country?
I went to see my doctor today.
I said, “I was at the ballet when I started having heart palpitations, what do you think I have?”
He replied, “Homosexual tendencies.”
Those dastardly Islamic State militants have now claimed responsibility for Donald Trump’s hair.
Donald Trump has sparked outrage by calling for a ban on all Muslims entering the United States because he says they scare everyone.
It would be more useful if he focused on things most Americans are actually afraid of, like diet and exercise.
A man has been stabbed to death in a Poundland store.
In order to avoid any embarrassment to his family, staff dragged his body into Aldi before calling an ambulance.
I was driving through a council estate in Liverpool earlier with my mum in the car and she said “Isn’t this a lovely place?”..
.. Her tune fairly changed when we started to see cars on fire, kids drinking on street corners, police raiding houses and a birthday banner on a house that said “Happy 30th birthday Gran”.
Golden Wonder have announced that for every pack of NikNaks sold 50% of the profits shall be donate to the Pakistan flood appeal. The aim is to provide raincoats and temporary housing for the victims.
The NikNak Paki mak give the wog a home scheme starts Monday.
Last night my wife text me saying she was in Casualty. I watched all 50 Minutes of the programme and I didn’t see her once. She still hasn’t come back yet and I’m starving!
I’ll tell you what is bordering on the ridiculous…
I thought chiropractors were a waste of money, but i stand corrected.
Doctor :- “You have been here every day for the past 5 weeks.”
Me :- “But I’m sure there’s something wrong with me.”
Doctor :- “Your a Hypochondriac.”
Me :- “There you go, I knew there was something wrong.”