What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries.
Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?
Ken came in another box.
Why do men always give their jackets to their women when they are cold?
Who wants a blowjob from a woman who is shaking with her teeth?
I added Paul walker on Xbox… But he spends all his time on the dashboard.
What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?
A PDF File.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why are women like KFC?
After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
What does tofu and a dildo have in common?
They’re both meat substitutes.
What was David Bowie’s last hit?
How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick
Guns don’t kill people.
Americans who think guns don’t kill people, do…
I got arrested in Clarksville, Tennessee for accidently killing a black man.
They charged me with impersonating a police officer!
Dear TAG heuer I’m pretty sure that if I end up 500 meters under water, I won’t need a fuckin’ watch anymore.
Gemma Collins posts thong photo.
Good God. You can nearly see what she had for breakfast, elevenses, lunch, afternoon tea, dinner and supper.
Why are there no telephone directories in China?
Because there are so many Wings and Wongs, someone is bound to wing the wong number
This girl I was dating said that she wanted a once in a lifetime experience, so I murdered her.
Shamima Begum. Bitch has lost more kids on holiday than Kate Mcann.
Niki Lauda gets to heaven and he sees someone with a huge tyre round their neck, he says ” bugger me if it’s not me old mate Ayton senna” a muffled voice replies ” fuck off I’m princess Diana.
Ohhhhhhh who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
“If I tell you, will you sit on it?”
Once you take away the legs and the breasts you’re left with one greasy box to put your bone in.
A rabbi cuts them off. A priest sucks them off.
They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.
Your job still sucks.
They’re both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you’re pretty much screwed.
Dress her up like an altar boy.
They’re usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable.
He forgot to wrap his whopper.
My Wife and I are having my Muslim work colleague Abdul and his wife come over tonight for a sophisticated dinner.
I’m having a nightmare though…I cannot believe I’ve been to 7 different Tescos in the area and not one of them had Halal Pork Chops.
Son: Why is my sister called Teresa?
Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter – it’s an anagram
Son: Thanks dad
Dad: No problem Alan
MPs are being encouraged to use the term “Daesh” instead of “Islamic State” as Daesh is an insult to the terrorists.
Unfortunately, Daesh is a really difficult word for me to pronounce so, from now on, I’ll be using the word “Cunts”.
We used to have Empires run by Emperors.
Then we had Kingdoms run by Kings.
Now we have Countries……….
I can’t believe Scientology is trying to get away with calling itself a religion.
You’re not a real religion until you’re responsible for at least a million deaths.
I rang up work this morning..
“My wife passed away in the early hours,” I told them. “I’m going to need some time off work.”
“Oh dear, sorry for your loss,” the receptionist said. “And of course we understand. Take as much time off as you need.”
“Thank you,” I replied. “It’ll be about eighteen years, providing I behave myself.”
Stop Muslims entering the USA…
They don’t want crazy people bringing guns into the country?
I went to see my doctor today.
I said, “I was at the ballet when I started having heart palpitations, what do you think I have?”
He replied, “Homosexual tendencies.”
Those dastardly Islamic State militants have now claimed responsibility for Donald Trump’s hair.