My son came in the other day and asked me what love juice is. I thought I’d try and put it as delicately as possible. “Well son love juice is to do with sex, you must know a bit from school? Anyway when you’re with a girl and your having a kiss and a cuddle and you touch the old breasts you get a woody, but you call it a hard on when you’re an adult. Now girls they don’t get a hard on they have a form of lubrication for the penis. What you do is play with the little beak on the vagina for a bit and when its lubricated you put your fingers in and you can hear it a bit like when mum is mixing up an omelette, you can see it too glistening and on your fingers like little heartstrings, like sticky mirrors. Now the vagina is ready to accept the penis and then get the sperm to the uterus and then make a baby, that my son is what love juice is. But tell me son what have you been watching?”
Son: Why is my sister called Teresa?
Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter – it’s an anagram
Son: Thanks dad
Dad: No problem Alan
Last night my wife text me saying she was in Casualty. I watched all 50 Minutes of the programme and I didn’t see her once. She still hasn’t come back yet and I’m starving!